Untitled

I felt the need to blog today. It's been a while now, but hey no big deal because I have just been spending my time making everyone else happy. I realized that all I do ever is make sure everyone else is happy, then, and only then, do I worry if I am happy or where I want to be or with people I actually like. Unfortunatly, this causes a lot of issues with Zach and I because, for me, he is an indulgence-- something I only allow myself to have when everyone else is happy because he makes me happy. In the meantime though, I neglect to keep him happy by talking to him and hanging out with him and this is tough for me cause I can't seem to find the balance between keeping EVERYONE happy and myself. This frustration is making it harder and harder to put on a happy face for everyone and I am unsure how much longer I can keep acting like I care about everyone ten times more than myself. But I guess it is no big deal.

Spreading the Love

So the semester is winding down, which is such a relief for me. This has been one of the most stressful semesters of my school career and I only have three A's and two potential ones to show for it. I am finishing up my last project this night: an activism project for my Literature class (one of my A's). When first assigned this topic, I had no clue what I could do. Being so involved with For the Love of Africa, I felt that all of my community service hours were already occupied, so I couldn't get too close to any other topic.
I then reflected on issues that I could relate to and remembered how much I hated my life and myself throughout my years in middle school because it was so rough to adjust to a new life in Georgia at a public school. I also remembered just wanting someone to talk to-- to tell me that middle school is the worst, but high school and beyond would be so much better. I actually recall a conversation I had with one of my teachers that I was close with in Eighth grade, Mrs. Lupo. She told me that middle school was awful for her and that high school would be so much better-- no more awkwardness, no more weirdness, just positive growth. And that was exactly what I needed to hear.
This is where I got the idea for Spreading the Love-- the "club" I created for my activism project. It is simply based off of the thought that if girls have someone to tell them that everything will get better and that middle school is not the end of the world, then they will result to deviant behavior less, and have higher self esteems than those girls who have no one. I currently do not have the time or patience to foster this club, but I do hope that one day I will be able to create something similar to this and help those who need it.

Conforming: To like or not to like

This break has meant a lot to me so far. 3 weeks ago tomorrow, Zach and I started dating. Up until Friday, we hadn't really hung out on our own. We'd mostly just gone to places with our best friends, Hannah and Matt, and Kaitlin and Judd. On Friday, we went to dinner with my mom and, with much reluctance from Zach, to see New Moon. We both quite enjoyed laughing at the overly obsessed fan base that polluted the theater. Saturday, I went with my mom to Barnes & Nobel to pick up a copy of the Communist Manifesto for Philosophy Club, which yes is real and not just an excuse to stay after school with my friends on Friday when I am supposed to be home cleaning. Then when I my mom left for work, and I had the whole house to myself, I called Zach out of boredom, expecting to talk for an hour or two maybe--I mean we were a couple, but not to clingy, just kinda cool. We ended up talking for 6 hours, only to be followed by all day Sunday talking on the phone, hanging out on Monday, then talking on the phone some more, and today, when I went to his house and we sat around and watched South Park/ worked on our AP American History essay.
Zach and I have come to terms that we are conforming with the stereotypical teen-agers who get into relationships and then can't picture life with out each other. I don't quite think we are there yet, but do seem to spend an awful lot of our time either with each other or on the phone with each other. The real question is if once we get back to school in a week, will we still feel the need to fill our time with each other, or could we move on to IB homework that should take all of our time, regardless if we want it to or not. I am accrediting our current state of conforming to our lack of better ways to spend our time, but just by me writing this post, I am conforming to the typical teen-age girl stereotype that girls think about their boyfriends all the time. However, I must admit my incomplete hatred of my current conforming.

Lesson of the Day: If your attitude on life changes--you are suddenly a much happier person-- and your parents know why, they do not protest too loudly.

It Is All a Matter of Time

I've realized recently how indecisive a person I am. And that once I do decide, I hate my decision-- no matter how set I was that it would work out. This, however, is of little importance because true happiness does not exist.

I have had three unproductive days in a row. Wednesday night my phone rang 27 times and I was on the phone till 2 in the morning. I only got my math test corrections done with the hopes that I can raise my grade in that class even the slightest so that I may have a B. Yesterday, I stayed after school with a group of my friends and my boyfriend ( a new addition-- quite a surprise to even myself and to my indecisive side) to work on a project we have due on Tuesday. What ended up happening was we walked to Kroger, bought Ramen, came back to the school, sat in my friend's mom's classroom and read magazines and had drawing contests. Then Zach(my boyfriend) and I went to the student produced One Acts. I got home around 9:3o cause I got a ride home from Sam and she had to take her boyfriend home first. I then talked on the phone till about 1 and didn't get any of my homework done. Lastly, today, I got nothing done in school, was let out of Fourth block to join in the funeral march of our football team as they boarded the buses to be crushed in the play-off game tonight. I then tried to go to Philosophy Club, found out it was cancelled and loitered on the lawn of my school with Hannah, Matt, Zach and a bunch of Matt and Zach's friends that I don't know.

Unproductive, yet satisfying.

All this unproductiveness has led me to spend more time thinking, leading the addition of my Philosophy book. My mom got me this very nice, leather-bound journal for my birthday. Because it looked so.... philosophical, I decided to record all of my thoughts on philosophy in this journal. Waste of paper? Why that is only a matter of opinion or time, but really just time.

Lesson of the Day: Loitering at school causes you to doubt your decisions and your human existence.

16 years of........ I'm not quite sure

Well, tomorrow is the big day-- I turn 16. However I find my life has been too menial so far to earn such a title as "16". When I was a little girl, I always pictured myself as this beautiful social-butterfly who partied every weekend, was top of her class, had an amazing boyfriend, was the captain of some beautiful sport. I would get my licence on my birthday and then go out to eat with friends and family in a beautiful dress that complemented my blonde hair and perfect skin. I would then proceed to have an amazing party the following weekend where at least 50 people would come and it'd be formal and in a dining hall.
Yeah... I put a lot of thought into this. Alas, I will not have fulfilled any of these dreams, nor be celebrating as lavishly as I had dreamed. On the weekends I do homework. I only have 4 A's to show for these weekends of hard work. I don't even want to get into the fact that I don't have a boyfriend and all prospects are sex-obsessed douches. My sport of late: Cross Country, which I am only mediocre at and it certainly is not a beautiful sport. Licence-- yup, I'm still working on those 40 hours, but hey I have to wait another month anyways! The celebration tomorrow: Practice, where we will prepare for the region meet on Thursday with 400's and then a pasta dinner so the coach may dictate what we eat before the big meet. This will be with my team-mates, whom I love dearly, but I would like to see my other friends on my birthday. I will most likely be dressed in jeans and a t-shirt that clashes with my hair, but highlights my horrid skin that hasn't stopped breaking out in 3 months. My party: It's in two weeks. As of right now, I have 6 people coming and I have no clue what we are going to do. I just love my birthday!

Lesson of the day: You learn a lot about a person when they have no one else to talk to.

Well that day was a waste....

Yesterday was pretty much a waste of 13 hours. I woke up at noon to eat a GIANT bowl of Magic Stars ( Kroger brand Luck Charms: Ten times sweeter and double the marshmallows!) and then I made a Carmel macchiato on my new espresso maker. After eating was complete, I cracked open the new Guitar Hero 5. I never expected it to be as good as it was! Lemme tell you, the graphics were amazing and the story line, superb! Plus the song choices are very interesting. Finally someone decided it would be a good idea to include Jack White in Guitar Hero! The next step: Jack White as a character on Guitar Hero! Unfortunately, I had too much homework to get far enough into the game to play the Nirvana songs. The controversy unfolds as to whether it is an injustice to have Kurt Cobain as an unlockable character. I think it for sure is! Here's a link to an article on it .

Once my dad got on my case about playing Guitar Hero, I dug into my 12! assignments that I have due on Tuesday. I failed to complete all of them in the 5 hours I was working on them! When dinner time rolled around, I stopped with homework, made some Ramen Noodles and watched Fight Club, which is probably one of the best movies ever made. Once my dad got back home, he stopped me from playing Guitar Hero, again! and we watched the fight that was on HBO. Klitchko v. Areeola I think it was. Well anyways, it was really interesting. I never really got into boxing, but when my dad turns it on, I can't help but watch. I mean boxing just brings out the mortality of the people in the fight-- it really just shows, no matter how strong you are physically and mentally, you can only take so many hits. Upon deciding that midnight was too late to be working on homework on a Saturday, I called my dear friend Sam to see how her birthday went. We talked for an hour, and then i got my pjs on and watched Food Network for some time, eventually falling asleep.

Around 2:00, my phone rings. It is the familiar ring of my best friend Jenna Hall, who is in New Orleans filming a movie right now called the Pregnancy Pact. Boy am I going to laugh when she gets fat! Anyways, she was calling so her buddy, Max, could sing me a song. It was pretty good for a 2:00 in the morning spontaneous serenade.

Lesson of the day: Staying up too late can get you good things. And fighting brings out a lot in people.

Trying this again

Coming back from the Georgia Scholastic Press Association Conference at UGA this past Wednesday and Thursday, I have had the urge to start again expressing my thoughts to whomever would read them. Excessive, I know, because no one wants to read the thoughts of a high schooler who simply has too much to say about nothing important, but hey its what ever, its chill.
So last night I had to write an essay for my Analysis class-- "Analysis Meth" as it is called on my schedule-- about how line of best fit can be applied to mile times and when certain times could be run. Being in cross country, the last thing I wanted to do was expound upon how people of the world can run a mile in half the time I can. Just when I was between the stages of "Man I need to get off Facebook and finish this paper" and "I am going to kill myself if I have to write one more sentence on how to extrapolate"(Note to reader: extrapolate is one of my favorite words, despite its negative mathematical connotations.), I came up with this brilliant equation to determine how miserable an assignment was. This grandiose discovery would be: stress level (on a scale of 1-10) + sleep loss ( how many hours you stayed up past 9 o'clock ( because that's when you'd have to go to sleep to get the full hours for teens)) - how much creativity you had to employ with the assignment ( this may be none if you are writing a math essay :P) X how many times you would have rather stabbed your eyes out with plastic spoons than do the assignment a.k.a. suicidal thoughts. Ex. This math paper caused me to be very stressed, about an 8, during the trip to UGA, cause I knew it was due the day after I got back. I stayed up till 12:30 doing the blasted thing and it had no room for creativity, besides my last line where I said there may be robots instead of humans in 3000. and I would have rather plucked my eyelashes out with scissors or killed myself 3 times during that assignment than finish it. So numerically this is 8+3.5-1X3= 31.5. Yeah that's pretty miserable. However, for things such as the whole IB program, the miserable levels are heinous, for they make you so stressed out, cause you to loose years of sleep, make you just want to kill yourself and, in the process, allow you to employ little creativity(my biology teacher is concerned for my mental health because I attempted to incorporate talking moosen into my presentation.) These levels could go to infinity and beyond.

Lesson of the Day: You are masochistic if you put yourself through miserable things.